Jeeps Canada - Jeep Forums - WINNERS! Usenet Kook Awards, August 2007

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"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra_9kgqn7DQ
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The time has come to announce the winners of the August 2007 Usenet Kook
Awards. Envelopes, please!

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JAYNE KULIKAUSKAS "CHUMP OF THE SUMMER" PIN

"Once a year, the voting population will have the opportunity to elect
an award-recipient for this presigious honour via a write-in campaign
on the August ballot. Named after "one of Usenet's most gullible people
of all time" (in her own words) - Jayne Kulikauskas, devoted housewife
and soc.man sympathiser extrordinaire, who was exposed as a fool of
epic proportions for two consecutive summers.

(Definition of "CHUMP" - n. A stupid or foolish person; a dolt.)"

The winner is...BILL ------!

06 votes Bill ------
04 votes Atlas Bugged
02 votes Andrew Chung
02 votes Michael "Howdy/Trumpet of the Lord" Schmidt
01 votes Daryl Hunt
01 votes David Tholen
01 votes Jeff Davis of rsa
01 votes MCP of soc.men
01 votes Michael Vick
01 votes Richard "teh St00pid" Bullis
01 votes Raymond Karczewski
01 votes Steve Horn/Caduceus/KCOM
01 votes Will Dockery

Congratulations, Bizarro! With your very first award, which recognizes
your notorious idiocy, you are managing to set the tone for tonight's
festivities. Stick around the podium--there are more where this one came
from.

RICHARD M. NIXON MEMORIAL "PATHOLOGICAL LIAR" AWARD

The winner is...EDMOND HEINZ WOLLMANN!

11 votes Edmond Heinz Wollmann
09 votes Raymond Karczewski
05 votes David Tholen
05 votes Doug "Doogie" Grant
00 votes None of the above

Congratulations, Pantyhead! A decade of mendacity and evasion has now been
recognized by the voters of AUK. How fitting for your 46th AUK USENET Kook
Award!

BOBO AWARD

The winners are...CHRISTOPHER "RIZLER" SMITH!

17 votes YES
05 votes NO

And...MICHAEL VICK!

23 votes YES
04 votes NO

Congratulations, gentlemen! Both of you are now or soon will be under the
supervision of the criminal justice system for going to truly ridiculous
extremes to pursue illegal behavior. Both of you should reflect on the
loss of your freedom, and in the case of Michael Vick, the loss of wealth
and respect, the replacement of fame with infamy, and the knowledge that he
has joined the ranks of former President Bill Clinton, Heaven's Gate, Bill
Clinton, and Sony BMG as Bobo winners who earned their award for incredibly
stupid, kooky, and self-defeating actions. All that for spam and dog
fighting!

KOOK OF THE MONTH

The winner is...BILL ------!

17 votes Bill ------
10 votes Scott Abraham
02 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Bizarro Bill! You just demonstrated that the third time
was a charm, at least for you running for Kook of the Month. The irony of
this award is that, as far as AUK is concerned, you've lost your USENET
citizenship, as you are now disenfranchised with prejudice. That's right,
Minuteman, you are now considered to be an illegal alien in cyberspace.
Enjoy the reversal of your status!

CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH

The winner is...RESPONDANT!

10 votes Bill AKA Respondant
09 votes Atlas Bugged
06 votes Sue H. of alt.fan.harry-potter
05 votes James Koput
01 votes None of the above

Congratulations Respondant! Uncritically accepting the number one choice
in a Google search is a classic Clueless Newbie mistake and you made it.
Next time, be sure to read the /correct/ version of the FAQ, before you try
to suggest someone for the award. Using Tim Skirvin's version only got you
laughed at.

COWARD OF THE MONTH

The winner is...BILL ------!

13 votes Bill ------
12 votes David Tholen
03 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations a third time, Bizarro Bill! What did you write? "It's so
easy to win, anyone that's coward automatically wins." That has to be one
of the best self-spanks I've seen in a long time.

LOONEY MAROON AWARD

The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!

18 votes Andrew B. Chung
08 votes Michael "Howdy/Trumpet of the Lord" Schmidt
05 votes Tom Bearden
00 votes None of the above

Congratulations, Double-Doctor! Winning the LMA award this month is a
milestone for you in many ways. First, you broke the three-month streak
that the saucerheads of alt.astronomy have had on this award. Second, this
is the third LMA you have won in 13 months, which means you avoided the "no
more than three of the same awards in 12 months" rule--this month. The
voters and I must remember that you may only win one more between now and
next January. Before then, your suspension from winning Coward of the
Month will be lifted in October. Finally, with this victory, you are
firmly in second place behind Edmond Heinz Wollmann in USENET kook awards
and just ahead of Richard "The St00pid" Bullis. What wonderful company you
keep!

GOLDEN KILLFILE

The winner is...BLOXY/NUKLEUS/LIBRARIAN!

18 votes Bloxy/Nukleus posting as Librarian
06 votes 24Bit of rec.autos.makers.jeep+willys
02 votes Neither of the above

Congrulations, Bloxy! It only took until the nth iteration of you posting
the Protocols of the Elders of Zion for AUK to notice that you'd been in
their Bozo Bins the whole time. PLONK!

JOSEPH BARTLO MEMORIAL PATHETIC ---- PINEAPPLE AWARD

The winner is...CHARLES LYSAGHT!

14 votes Charles Lysaght
08 votes Connor Anderson of soc.men
08 votes Tom "Tosser" Bishop
00 votes None of the above

Congratulations, Chuckles! Your k00ks00t threats turned out to be merely
hot air and bluster, which made them utterly pathetic. Do keep it up,
though. Your silliness is entertaining, and it might even earn you enough
awards to surpass Bullis. By the way, Kali informs me that you look like a
Quadav from Final Fantasy XI.

http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/images/mo...per-Quadav.jpg

She's right, the resemblance is striking!

PALMJOB PADDLE

The winner is...RAYMOND KARCZEWSKI!

16 votes Raymond Karczewski
11 votes David Tholen
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Kazoo! While your loss of multiple web forum accounts has
been recognized before, the removal of your USENET posting privileges last
month, resulting in you having to post through Google Groups, certainly
made an impression. I suspect the marks won't go away any time soon!

TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD

The winner is...SCOTT ABRAHAM!

13 votes Scott Abraham
12 votes Alexa Cameron
04 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Scottie! While you managed to avoid the Kook of the Month
that you such richly deserve, you did earn an award that you should have
won the first time you ran for it through your ridiculous ranting and over-
the-top meltdown on rec.skiing alpine. Keep it up, and you might just win
more awards for your dramatic behavior.

VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD

The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!

"Singing Starving Stomach" by Andrew Chung

25 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratulations a second time, Double-Doctor! Your propensity for truly
dangerous crackpot physiological ideas is just flabbergasting. Normally,
it would be difficult for anyone to come up with a third weird science
idea, but you managed to do so in the space of 14 months. You'd have to
really top yourself to come up with a fourth between now and February,
during which time a third VVFWS award would make you ineligible for any
more until the completion of the twelve months, but if anyone could do it,
you could.

GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY

The winner is...JEAN-PAUL TURCAUD!

15 votes Jean-Paul Turcaud
11 votes Atlas Bugged
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Sir Jean, Founder of The One True Geology! August
certainly seems to be your lucky month for winning AUK awards. You won the
VVFWS Award in August 2000, both the Kook of the Month /and/ the Looney
Maroon in August 2001, and now the Pickett's Charge for August 2007. Keep
up the crusade against the wicked Australians and you might win an award
next August.

GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER "KICKED @$$" AWARD

The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!

28 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratulations, Dr. Tholen! You managed to get more votes for this award
than any other candidate on the ballot. That's how you really do "kick
@$$!"

SPECIAL OPS CODY MEMORIAL PURPLE HEART

The winner is...TOM "TOSSER" BISHOP!

11 votes Tom "Tosser" Bishop
10 votes Bill ------
05 votes James Koput AKA Subroutine of alt dot flame
00 votes None of the above

Congratulations, Tosser! The account of how you tried to get past PJR's
firewall to steal even more of his bandwidth was truly hilarious. Now,
shoot yourself in the foot and dance around again for us (tinu).

TAR AND FEATHERS

The winner is...DAVID THOLEN!

16 votes David Tholen
11 votes Ed Conrad
04 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations again, Dr. Tholen! Your efforts at combating the
crossposters have been so successful that you managed to handily defeat
someone who really has been run out of a newsgroup on a rail. They've also
been so successful that, without the crossposters, comp.os.os2.advocacy
would have so little traffic that it could be removed by
news.groups.proposals. Good going!

BUSTED URINAL AWARD

The winner is...BLOXY/NUKLEUS/LIBRARIAN!

11 votes Bloxy/Nukleus posting as Librarian
06 votes Connor Anderson of soc.men
03 votes Habanero of alt.freemasonry
03 votes Prof._Jonez
03 votes None of the above

Congratulations again, Bloxy! In this month's voting, AUK decided that you
were not only not worth reading, but that you were the lamest of the lame.
It's only because you might have a few more dubious achievements still
worth recognizing that I don't just throw you into the Galactic Killfile
right now.

UNABOMBER SURPRISE

The winner is...BILL ------!

12 votes Bill ------
11 votes Jean-Paul Turcaud
02 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations a fourth time, Bizarro! You managed to defend American
honor in this category by defeating a Frenchman who has been expounding on
his cultural superiority over the Australians for years. Now, go to
McDonald's and order some Freedom Fries!

GOOFY AZZED BABBOON

The winner is...DALE KELLY!

14 votes YES
03 votes NO

Congratuations, "Average Joe!" You went over the line from UPA to complete
incoherence, which earned you your first USENET Kook award since the Kook
Kard Deck elections. BTW, have you gotten over your suspension from
posting to talk.origins yet?

BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK

The winner is...BILL ------!

14 votes Bill ------
09 votes David Tholen
08 votes Ed Conrad
01 votes None of the above

Congratulations a fifth time, Bizarro! Let's (tinu) review what you've won
so far--Chump of the Summer, Kook of the Month, Coward of the Month,
Unabomber Surprise, and now the Foam Duck. In sum, that means that you're
long-winded, outrageously stupid, and the wackiest poster of the month, if
not the entire summer. No wonder you've earned this lifetime achievement
award!

BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG WHISTLE

The winner is...TIM "THREE ------- WEEKS" THORNE,
TRAINED BY GARY BURNORE!

26 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratualations, Dimmy, and good work, Gary! Dimmy now has a new AUK
award to enshrine in his .sig, and Gary now has the complete set of merit
awards for kookologists.

All hail Gary Burnore, for he hace much grateness!!!1!!

As for Dimmy, back into the Galactic Killfile you go!

OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL

The winner is...EDMOND HEINZ WOLLMANN!

12 votes Edmond Heinz Wollmann
10 votes David Tholen
06 votes Steve Chaney

Congratulations again, Pantyhead. You managed to defend your office
against two of the most notorious bellyachers AUK has seen in recent years.
Don't you wish all your efforts were so successful?

OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT

The winner is...BILL ------!

13 votes Bill ------
11 votes Honest John AKA Clockbrain
08 votes Tom "Tosser" Bishop

Congratulations a final time this month, Bizarro! Your idiocy is now so
legendary that you managed to defeat the incumbent, who managed a strong
showing despite being impeached. You can't vote anymore, but you can hold
office. Isn't USENET amazing?

MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS

The winners are...THE SAUCERHEADS OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!

19 votes Saucerheads of alt.astronomy
10 votes The Chad Bryant and John Henry Haters of
rec.sport.pro-wrestling

Congratulations, L33t Spaced-Out Science Officers! Your mutual
masturbation was enough to outwank some of the most rabidly delusional
fanboys on USENET and hold on to this office. Don't leave--I have a
special presentation to make to you and especially to one of your members,
Honest John.

EMMETT GULLEY OBSESSO AWARD

The winner is...HONEST JOHN!

"A special award - reserved solely for the most obsessive, stalker kooks on
Usenet."

Congratulations, Clockbrain! The voters of AUK voted you this award by
acclimation late last month and early this month. You earned it through
your prolonged efforts at exposing what you think to be the real-life data
of several kookologists, their workplaces, and, worst of all, their
relatives, and getting other kooks to do your dirty work for you, in
addition to a wide range of other cowardly and hypocritical acts.

Stay on the stage. You have one more award to receive before I present
something special to your compatriots and then kick your filthy keister
down the stairs.

TINFOIL SOMBRERO

The winner is...HONEST JOHN!

"An executive award, a Vote Wrangler's privilege, to grant to those out
there who would seek to overthrow the Friendly Neighborhood dictatorship of
this froup. Time and again various Kooks have attempted to either hijack
the awards, start votes of their own, or give the FNVW a free non-expenses-
paid ticket to the Motel Deep 6. This should never go unpunished. Such
insubordination goes beyond the normal bounds of those wacko enough to wear
the tinfoil hat, therefore, the FNVW shall have the privilege of granting
the TINFOIL SOMBRERO, upon receipt of substantial enough evidence of said
insubordination."

Since one of the kookologists you were stalking was me, and you were
claiming to be posting my home address, home phone, workplace, and the
names of my family members, you were effectively trying to "give the FNVW a
free non-expenses-paid ticket to the Motel Deep 6" by proxy. As the award
states, that kind of behavior will never go unpunished. Wear this hat in
shame!

As much as I wish to throw you into the audience and have the ushers carry
you out the doors in the most undigified way possible on the way to your
internment in the Galactic Killfile and the pronouncement of your net-
death, stay up here. I have a unique award to present to your fellow
Science Officers.

THE THREE MONKEYS STATUE

The winners are...The SAUCERHEADS OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!

"A unique award, given by executive decision of the Vote Wrangler, which is
to be presented to the group who best exemplifies the saying "see no evil,
hear no evil, speak no evil," by utterly ignoring the reprehensible
behavior of one in their midst. This goes beyond the usual levels of
circle jerking common in groups of kooks by recognizing utter hypocrisy in
addition to the mutual reinforcement of a shared delusion."

Congratulations, Spaced-out Science Officers! Your complete tolerance of
some of the most hateful, bigoted, and cowardly kooks in your midst while
you preach tolerance and open-mindedness has earned you this unique award.
Enjoy it in disgrace.

As for Honest John, he has been impeached and convicted of all charges by
the USENET Court of Last Resort and is sentenced to immediate internment in
the Galactic Killfile and a declaration of net-death. All clueful people
are instructed to killfile Clockbrain if possible and ignore him completely
if not.

Now, all of you, OFF MY STAGE!

This concludes the announcement of the winners of the August 2007 Usenet
Kook Awards. Forty-two people submitted fourty-two ballots. One person
made the mistake of 1) voting through aioe.org and 2) having no USENET
history. One of these mistakes would be enough to cause the ballot to be
discarded, but doing both at once guaranteed it. Fluffy appreciated the
new filler in his litter box. Two people voted after the deadline, but
before the awards were announced. Through the mercy of the FNVW, their
votes were accepted. Consequently, forty ballots were deemed valid and
counted.

See you all very soon, when a special referendum will be held to replace
the late, lamented Joseph Bartlo (may he rest in peace) as AUK Mascot and
determine the fate of the award named in his honor. Until then,
enjoy and all hail Ming, Bob, and Fluffy!

And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's winner,
Bill ------, who thinks he's Superman, but is really Bizarro.

<music>
"Superman Returns Opening Credits"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=90CcxhkbumQ
</music>
--
The Co-Friendly Neighborhood Vote Wrangler of AUK
http://www.caballista.org/auk/index.html